When Harry Met Fatty

Fatty is now leaving Forks, Washington, population: zzz, zzz, zzz. The end of a saga is upon us as Dave and Noah are subjected to The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II, starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and a breakfast burrito worth of CGI found in George Lucas' Roomba. K-Stew has a new attitude: she now sucks blood instead of screen time, but the salad days of her new marriage are over.  Her and R-Pat have been accused of committing the most heinous of all vampire crimes: upstaging Dakota Fanning with a younger, more cuter baby vampire who could give Honey Boo-Boo a run for her pharmaceutical grade Flintstone Vitamin Uppers. So once again every freak who could give a frack in Forks has to band together and help K-Stew and R-Pat go stand in a field to face off the Voltori, a supreme court team of Draculas from Italy. However, since this world lives and dies according to Stephenie Meyer's magical Mormon underwear, there are no outlandish rulings or even epic battles. People just stand and stare at each other, letting their thoughts do the heavy lifting. Just what this story needs...more staring! 

Dave tells his story of watching this movie in a discount theater full of Dakota Fannings. Noah brings up maple syrup and we all try to pretend that Jacob isn't really that into babies.

Dave is on a farm in upstate New York. 

Noah watches Teen Wolf Season Two and listens to his jams. 

Valentine’s Day is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one will cream all over your face. Fatty rings The Girl Next Door starring Emile Hirsch, Elisha Cuthbert Timothy Olyphant and Paul Dano. Hirsch is a straight-A senior gunning for a scholarship to Georgetown. His straight A’s take a turn to straight “V’s” when a new girl moves in next door to him and goes to town on his george. Metaphorically, of course, these are high schoolers for Pete’s sake! After they’ve been dating a spell, Hirsch finds out that her former line of work involved hoochie-coochie-peeping-Tom-foolery with the cameras and the fluffers and disco lights and whatnot.  Plus, she has a skeezy producer who wants to pull her back into that risque buisness.  What’s a goody straight-laced-two-shoes with everything on the line to do?  The answer lies in the purest meaning of the phrase “if you can’t beat ‘em, join em!” and boy does he!  

Dave has a brand new pair of rollerskates and George Saunders has a brand new key. Noah spins a yarn that involves him being a Maid in Mr. Movies.  MAID!  ...MAID!

This sequel is a drag. Literally.  Miss Congeniality II: Armed and Fabulous stars Sandra Bullock, Regina King, William Shatner, Ernie Hudson and a whole bunch of drag queens.  Picking up a mere two weeks after the tumultuous events that took place at the close of Miss Congeniality, Sandra Bullock finds that returning to work at the FBI is turning out to effin' be AY-yi-YI!  Her reputation and celebrity preceeds her, causing her cover to be blown which gets her partner shot. (Bullock is a fantastic moving target). After her boyfriend dumps her, Bullock's boss, (Winston from Ghostbusters), shacks her up with a gay make-up bag whisperer and she becomes the new face of the FBI.  Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation shows up and kidnaps William Shatner and the Queen of Miss United States, holding them for ransom.  Bullock wants back in on the investigation side of the Federal Bureau, but she has public relations, and, more tragically, a sassy black body guard to contend with before she can save her pageant pals from the evil Ron Swanson. This movie is a lazy susan of intrigue, wacky disguises and the ghastly cashing in of cred. If you want your living room to feel more like the waiting area of an intensive care unit, then put this movie on!

Dave reckons this movie is worse than Smiley Face, an Anna Farris picture that we reviewed back in November of 2011. It used to be our worst pick ever, but now Dave is willing to let it go with love.  Noah wears his crying bra.