When Harry Met Fatty

Noah Warren gets possessed by the spirit of Oprah Winfrey and this fallow episode of When Harry Met Fatty becomes another episode of Noprah Warrenphry's Favorite Things!  Whatever you do...DO NOT look under your seat!

I put my hand up on your hip, when you dip, I dip, WE DIP! Serendipity, starring John Cusack, Kate Beckinsale, John Corbett, Molly Shannon, Jeremy Piven and Eugene Levy. Fatty spends Christmas Eve in a department store with Cusack and Kate, who are fighting over the last pair of cashmere gloves in existence. Kate ends up having to buy him hot chocolate for the gloves but Cusack ends up getting a steaming mug full of hot air about fate, destiny, and free will. They exchange numbers via a five dollar bill and a 1st edition copy of Love in the Time of Cholera. The bill is spent on a pack of Certs and the book is sold to a used bookstore. If either one of them happens upon each other's phone number, then it is fate telling them to move Heaven and Earth to find each other.  Smash cut to three years later. Both of them are engaged to other people, living on opposite sides of the country, having the worst case of cold feet. They make one last ditch effort to seek each other out, only to find that fate has a massive hard-on for pulling them together and keeping them apart. Serendip? More like just the tip!
Christmas break is upon us at Fatty studios and Dave talks of his planned trip to New York to take that Olsen Twins New York Minute movie tour.  Noah talks of his past adventures in kitty sitting. Merry Christmas!

Sweet Mandy Bynes, BUM-BUM-BUM- good times never seemed so androgynous...From the year Two-Thousand and SEX comes a tale of female to male...She’s The Man, starring Amanda Bynes, Channing Tatum-tots and David Cross.  

Be sure to top off your gender blender with some peach schnapps, cuz we’re gonna make one helluva shake outta Shakespeare.  Inspired loosely by The Bard’s Twelfth Night, this rom com is about a soccer playing Tomboy who impersonates her twin brother in order to make first string on an all boy’s soccer team.  Along the way, she falls for the team's striker, Magic Mike who wants her to fix him up with her hot chemistry lab partner, who’s bunson only burns for the faux boy Bynes. Warning, this flick features graphic scenes of honesty, emotion and caring...about soccer.

Dave shares stories of divorced parent trickery and Noah reveals what he and his mother unearthed whilst decking their halls.

Warning: the week’s episode features full frontal Brittany!  Hide your bangers and mash, Dave and Noah review 2006’s Love and Other Disasters Starring Brittany Murphy, Matthew Rhys and Catherine Tate.  Brittany has just graduated from the Madonna Academy of Fake British Accents and she lives her life one Breakfast at Tiffany’s at a time.  She’s obsessed with Holly Golightly and she drapes herself (literally) with gay men, working as an intern at UK Vogue. However, the world can only have so many fruit flies for her to play matchmaker with and when she nets a tall dark and mansome one at work, she thinks she's found the ultimate gay dude for her to marry.  Yes, we are serious.  She's in the market for a homo hubby.The only problem is, this dude is a breeder who just wants to feed her some good old-fashioned love, American style, with a side of extra heterosexuality, because, like King Midas, everything this chick touches turns to gay.  She is like a heavenly body that supernovas gayness every ten minutes, creating galaxies of gay in her path,all she sees is gay and in the words of John Lennon all you need is gay.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Like Bob Dylan, Dave's gone electric! His first young adult ebook, The Ragged Mountains hits the mobile marketplace just in time for the fiscal cliff!  Noah shares a wonderful memory about the Nineteen-Nineties situation comedy Blossom. 

It's National Novel Writing Month and Noah goes nanners. 

This week Dave and Noah forget to hang the Do Not Disturb sign and they are subjected to MAID IN MANHATTAN from the year 2002.  Starring Jennifer Lopez and Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes), this rom com is MAID to order!  J-Lo is just another ethnic survivor of the plight of inner city plot contrivance.  She works at a swanky hotel where she raises her son, MTV's future TEEN WOLF Tyler Posey, and while trying on the latest fashion of one of her guests she gets mistaken by Ralph Fiennes as one of the rich-bitch guests.  Ralph is running for senator, and he's campaigning for a place in J-Lo's pants, but she can only offer him turnover service because she's a lowly maid in ManHELL.  Alas, we are all fooled by the rocks that she got.
Dave and Noah celebrate Thanksgiving by updating their gratitude Journals.  Dave is thankful for a mummified maid he had when he was just Davy from the block. Noah is thankful for his days he spent toiling in the Cuntry Inn.Happy Thanksgiving.  May it be Maid in Man-turkey-lurkey!

Reach for that tiara and tell Honey Boo Boo to shoo, because this week Dave and Noah are in it to win it!  From the turn of this Century, we review Miss Congeniality starring Sandra Bullock, Benjamin Bratt, William Shatner, Candice Bergen, and Michael Caine!  When a creepy serial killer threatens to make the Miss United States Beauty Pageant end in a BANG, FBI special Agent Sandra Bullock must go undercover as Beyonce’s alter ego Sasha Fierce!  This stirs up desires that her field partner and mission leader Benjamin Bratt never knew he had, mainly because when it comes to crime and punishment, tomboy Sandra has Bullocks that are too big for the both of them!  Time is running out and so is the double stick tape for the swimsuit competition!

Dave and Noah report live from Midway Lanes in St. Paul, MN where this year’s MISS MIDWAY Pageant is underway!

In just ten days Kate Hudson must be a chooser, a user and a loser!  Dave and Noah are inoculated by 2003’s How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days starring Kate Hudsuckerson, Matthew McConaughey, Tom Lennon and Bebe Neuwirth. 

Kate Hudson is your average blonde New Yorker... meaning she is required by several city ordinances and federal mandates to write a column for some publication and be on an endless quest to fulfill the whimsies of her heart’s desire. After her dowdy best friend gets dumped bigtime, Kate is inspired to hold an experiment: She will catch a man and drive him away in 10 days utilizing all of the mistakes her friend and most average dowdy sistah friends make when dealing with the male persuasion. 

Matthew McConaughey is a Ad man for Douche Digest and in order to win a huge client he must wager that he can make a woman fall in love with him in less than 10 days. By forces of nature swirling within the Lipstick Jungle of NY, they meet and do their darndest to make with the love/hate relate!  Come watch this elaborate multimillion dollar excuse to see Matty McConman half naked in various predicaments!  

Noah attempts to survive the night in his haunted apartment.

Bye bye Ms. American Bynes, drove your crazy to the levee but the levee was dry. Dave and Noah travel back in time to see Amanda Bynes take Walt Disney's Snow White to a whole new level. 2007's Sydney White stars The Royal Bynesness herself, along with Sara Paxton, Matt Long and Danny Strong. It's going to take a continent's worth of woodland critters to help gussy up this retread of a Grimm Fairy Tale.  Amanda is off to school to follow in her dead mother's sorority footsteps, only to find that the Queen Bee of the Kappa house will stop at nothing to put her to death...in a social sense.  After throwing her out of the pledge coronation, Sydney gets taken in by seven dorks who live in overflow student housing.  The Queen of the Kappas, who's running for class president, is fixing to demolish their house unless one of them will stand up and run against her.  With the help of her fellow dorks, and the supportive yet lovingly bland hand of Tyler Prince, the Queen Bee's ex-boyfriend, Sydney will have to take the "Heigh" road on this blond "Ho". 

From a beach in a bikini next to K-Stew, Dave offers stirring words of encouragement to Amanda.  Noah cleans the Koi pond out back. 

Coo-coo-ca-choo, Mrs Robinson, Coo-coo-ca-choo!  This week Dave and Noah bask in the aftermath of 2005's Rumor Has It... starring Jennifer Aniston, Mark Ruffalo, Kevin Costner and Shirley MacLaine.

Decades after the release of The Graduate, the chickens have come home to roost...and boy do they get to cluckin' with some hot gossip. Newly engaged Jennifer Aniston has never felt a connection with her family.  While attending her younger sister's wedding, she finds out that her late mother had an affair with a mysterious man who would later, rumor has it, (ahem), go on to inspire the plot of The Graduate. This causes Aniston to believe that she is his daughter.  As she tracks him down, she slowly realizes that she is doomed to repeat all the boring events that caused her forefathers to be the talk of the town in the first place. This isn't a remake. 

Words cannot describe what this is. 

They. 

Should've.          sent...a poet.

Dave has a cold. Noah dishes some "fresh" dirt on Rock Hudson.  And then we dance with wolves.

Noah says goodbye to one of his best friends, Block E. 

Oscar winner Sandra Bullock gets OSCARRED Straight in this 2009 disaster ALL ABOUT STEVE, starring the Blindsider herself, Bradley Cooper, Ken Jeong and Thomas Hayden Church.

Sandra is just your typical free spirited crossword puzzle writer who marches to the beat of her own cryptic clues.  Her parents set her up on a blind date with News Cameraman Bradley Cooper and it is love at first…well, whatever a five letter word for looking is. They get busy doing a four down, seven across on each other in his van when he realizes that she’s a few Pringles short of a good party. He fakes a phone call and goes on assignment across the country.  She loses her job and decides to grab the news by the pulp of its print; she goes on a road trip chasing after Steve on each of his assignments.  It’s kind of like Smokey and the Bandit, only instead of beer, it’s just bad jokes.

Dave writes a song of murder and channels the ghost of Sandra Bullock’s mother. Noah gets his first kiss…from a DEMENTOR! 

The best part of waking up is Harry Ford in your cup!  Dave and Noah review 2010’s Morning Glory starring Rachel McAdams, Harrison Ford, Diane Keaton, Patrick Wilson and Jeff Goldblum.  
Rachel is just your above-average redhead with all the pluck and none of the luck!  After getting fired from her gig producing Good Morning New Jersey, she shakily lands a job running Daybreak, a failing morning show full of mothballs and forget-me-LOTS. After firing the host, she has to break Harrison Ford out of contractual carbonite and force him to show us how to make frittatas and report the breaking news of mourning traffic. Luckily, Ford’s old co-worker Patrick Wilson will be there to seductively guide McAdams in the ways of Ford, a “Dan Rather-not!” of a man who BELONGS in a MUSEUM!  Network cancellations loom, tempers are tantrumed, chubby weathermen are exploited and journalists get jiggy with each other... All before 9 a.m!  

Dave goes into a Harrison Ford Fugue state and Noah designs a sun salute routine for Rachel McGriddle.

Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl star in the ultimate Spy versus WHY!?! Dave and Noah review Killers from 2010.  Heigl ain’t havin’ it when she’s stuck on a vacation with her lame parents, Tom Selleck and Catherine O’Hara.  They fly to Nice, France where half-naked Kutchers dance. While trying to fulfill a super top secret contract killing, Ashton meets Heigl at the hotel and decides to give up the ghost protocol once and for all.  They marry, settle down in suburbia and perform some missionary impossible that results in some serious babyfication of Heigl’s grey anatomy. Of course, every time he pulls out, they keep pulling him back in.  A bounty is placed on his head and suburbanite sleeper cells are activated.  It’s raining moles by the bowlful in a flick that’s My Blue Heaven meets Knocked Up meets The Bounty Hunter meets the Stepford Knives in your eyes, in your ears and any other place you use when its time to Get Smart.

Dave explains how fellas can get some sour patch without having to raise the roofies and Noah starts talkin’ Walken.  Christopher Walken.

Don't listen to this.  Don't speak of this. If you stay still, Chatty Fatty might stop talking.  

Fatty turns Fifty and its fantastic, wrapped in plastic!  This week we review 1987's Mannequin, (starring Andrew McCarthy and Kim Catrall and Estelle Getty), a romantic comedy that explores man's ultimate PIMPelicious ideal of a relationship:  Andy McCarthy is a true artist and navel gazing biscuit brain.  He crafts a mannequin that gets possessed by the spirit of an Egyptian princess who died 4,000 years ago.  The only catch is, the mannequin is real only when they are alone. Their love can only exist when no one else is looking. Pretty soon, department store politics come between them and they must decide: will Andy trade his heart for a dame called reality?  A reality that is porous and extremely biodigradable?  Or will he throw caution to the wind and rescue that oversized barbie doll from the world's largest Mannequin shredder? In the words of Eighties rock band Starship, 

"And we can build this dream together standing strong forever nothing's gonna stop us now". 

Dave reveals what 50 shades of Rom Com have done to him.  Noah simply says "you again!". 

Diane Lane is DYING to take the fast lane to Johnny's heart!  Must Love Dogs starring Diane Lane and John Cusack is the paw that breaks David and Noah's back in our final fatty four part series of THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER!  

Diane Lane is a forty-something woman who's former husband got the goldmine while she got the shaft!  Her overbearing sister creates a personal ad for her with an imperative that her suitors MUST LOVE DOGS. And while every dog must have its day, Diane finds an easy lay from a sexy dad, (Dermot Mulroney) and an eccentric boat maker (John Cusack).  Who will be the first to bury their bone in this broad's backyard? Tune in and find out! 

Noah retells some URBANE legends and Dave acquaints us with his first best friend Prancer.  Fly Pepper, Fly! 

When it comes to dating in this park, you better watch your step!  Dog Park starring Luke Wilson, Janeane Garofalo, some dudes from the sketch show Kids in the Hall and Natasha Henstridge, that blonde chick from the Species movie. They say a dog is a man’s best friend, until his girlfriend puts an end to it!  Luke Wilson is sharing joint custody of his dog Mogli with his ex-girlfriend who’s getting it on with the punk rocker who used to date the chick from Species who is now seducing Luke, but he can’t date her because he did a bachelor auction and got sold to this crazy broad who likes to love him ninja-style nonstop!  And every person who is in this picture is taking obedience classes from a mysterious dog psychologist who insists that everything must be perfect come Doggy Graduation. When it comes to matters of the heart, don’t say heel, just say HEAL. 

Noah finally understands why men take pilgrimages to the Champagne Room and Dave pray tells of his stinky-finger days of high school yore.

Grody and Goldy are chasing one helluva Chevy!  Seems Like Old Times starring Chevy Chase, Goldie Hawn, Charles Grodin and Benson the beloved butler by day, managing editor by sports night!  This 1980’s Neil Simon comedy is basically The Fugitive trapped inside a pet store that has yet to be hit by John Larroquette in his blind-date-mobile.  Chevy Chase is a writer who gets kidnapped by two thugs who force him to rob a bank.  He Richard Kimbles his way to Goldie Hawn, his ex-wife who is a lawyer now married to California’s next Attorney General, Charles Grodin.  Goldie likes to take in strays from her neighborhood as well as strays from the justice system, which consist of all her defendants she is putting to work in her household.  Will Chevy be the stray that breaks this couple’s back?  When Harry Met Fatty’s DOG DAYS OF SUMMER is half over, why are you watching the olympics? God Phelps those who help themselves!  

Dave remembers a gal who was attacked by the hound of Lake Crystal and Noah attempts to find out if Dave is a skinwalker.  

The Truth is...only Gov. Jesse Ventura really knows. Welcome to When Harry Met Fatty’s first multi-episode special The Dog Days of Summer, where we devote all of August to rom coms that feature man’s best friend. Our first installment is 1996’s The Truth About Cats and Dogs where we witness how low Janeane Garofalo can go.  She’s the Rush Limbaugh of Veterinarian radio hosts who lives next door to Uma Thurman, a model / actress.  When a handsome listener pays a visit to the radio station, he mistakes Uma for Janeane and asks her out. The rest of the movie is spent inanely trying to whiten one of the whitest lies of all: Does this Cyrano De Bergerac routine make me look fat?!?

Dave suffers Noah’s revisionist re-enactment of his former days as a cruise ship employee and we wet our dog whistles with a salty dog.

Anna Feris wants to know your sleep number. LITERALLY!  Twenty Eleventy's What's Your Number stars Anna Feris, Chris Evans, Andy Samberg, Joel McHale and Chris Pratt. When her latest boyfriend dumps her after refusing to accompany her to her younger sister's wedding, Anna makes a pact that the next man she sleeps with will be her last.  You see, she's teetering on nearly a SCORE of past lovers and her Polly Prissy Miss Fancy Panties Magazine says that women who've wet more than twenty wicks in their lifetime are emotionally incapable of marriage.  So, of course you know the saying...when you make a pact, God laughs and then shows you Joel McHale's back-sack. Anna breaks her pact by sleeping with Mr. Talk Soup and now she must backtrack and revisit her old score of B.Fs, hoping against hope that one of them can clean up nice and be marriage material. Luckily, she lives next to Captain America, who's willing to aid her in her quest to find the best EX of her life.  But with the First Avenger rescue her heart in the process? Renew your subscription NOW and receive our FREE football phone to find out!

Noah reaps what the Smiley Face episode hath sown and The Great Oppegaardo graces us with his uncanny abilities. 

Comedy, Party of None, there will be a 104 minute wait for your table! 

No Reservations (2007), starring Catherine Zeta-Jones, Aaron Eckhart, Abigail Breslin and Patricia Clarkson.  C-Z Jeezy is really good at staying in the kitchen and making sandwiches of sass for her unruly patrons.  When her sister dies in a horrendous car wreck, she inherits a cage-free newly orphaned niece, who's quite the emotional handful!  Meanwhile, back at the grill, her staff is slowly being taken over by the charms of her replacement chef, Aaron eechhart. When he came on the scene, Zeta ate a pie, with an ample side of humble!  This kitchen isn't big enough for the both of them, and in order to make room, we'll have to eat our hearts out!  It just goes to show you that life isn't always made to order and if you can't stand the heart, get out of their kitchen!

Noah, a recovering latchkey kid, reveals his fantastic time travel plans and Dave forms a Dead Poet's Society with a classroom of Pillsbury doughboys, all-the-while eating from a bag of beef jerky called "DARE". 

Stop romancing that stone and pack your bags, we’re going on a VayHECHEion for Six Days and Seven Nights!  This Ivan Reitman rom com features no bakeries, coffee shops or bookstores, just Harrison Ford and Anne Heche surviving in the isles of the South Pacific, exploring the true adventures of the human heart.  Mayday!  Mayday!  Anne Heche is about to marry Ross from Friends when her plane goes down and she realizes that she might have to Schwim for it.  Luckily, her plane is being piloted by a Hans who flies Solo on the tank of a broken heart.  They land on an island filled with almost as much peril two middle-aged people can handle.  Pirates, sinkholes, water snakes and inflatable life rafts, oh my!  It’s enough daring-do to scare anyone straight...into the heart of a fond memory.  Love it or Heche it, you’ll have one helluva iPhoto slideshow. 

Noah gives us a rehash of Hecheful hearsay and Dave helps Katie Holmes get back on her feet.

Let's declare independance from this yuppie yenta's agenda!  Why? Because I Said So starring Diane Keaton, Mandy Moore, Tom Everett Scott and one half of the Gilmore Girls. Diane Keaton is about to turn half a century plus ten and she’s got one last goal before she becomes another tale of the cryptkeeper. All of her daughters have married off except for her youngest and most vulnerable, Mandy Moore. Although she caters cakes like crazy and can sing like the dickens, Mandy ain’t real handy when it comes to pickin’ her mannies. Lucky for her, Diane Keaton has just ordered a state of the art Gateway computer and with her baby boomer gumption and social network nudging, she makes it rain with mom-approved men on Mandy’s life.  Only not all of them pass muster and when it comes time for Mandy to choose between the love of her life and the love of her mom’s ideal find, we realize quickly that true love ain’t no cakewalk!  Several polka dots were harmed during the production of this film.   
It’s the Fourth of July and Noah reveals a traumatic event that happened during the celebration of our nation’s birth. Dave describes what puts the “oh!” in his “o-face”.

2012 is half over.  It’s time to take a mulligan and it's time for celebrity target practice! New Year’s Eve (2011) starring Ashton Kutcher, Robert Deniro, Sarah Jessica Parker...hell, just take every character found on the rosetta stone and rearrange them at random and in perpetuity...and you will have the cast of this epic Garry Marshall-piece. The clock is ticking and second chances don’t expire until after midnight!  A dangerously mindful secretary who works for the Trinity Killer at a record company enlists the help of a bicycle courier to fulfill her list of New Year’s resolutions.  Two pregnant couples are competing for a cash prize to be awarded to the first baby born after Midnight.  A Raging Bull is dying of cancer...and dying to see that ball drop from the roof of his hospital, just one... more... time.  Little Miss Sunshine, (who’s now more “mid-sized Miss Evening Shade” these days), just wants to kiss a boy in Times Square, but her mom, who used to put the Sex in that very City, is just not that into her going out. Two youngsters get trapped in an elevator and one of them might be the Devil Himself. A Garden State pop star hires an ex-fiance to cater his concert...and perhaps fall into his web of regretful groveling, cuz from where he stands, it’s slippery when wet!  Cameos!  Confetti!  Hilary Swank-spanking!  Come turn over a new leaf and surrender yourself to beast that is New Year’s Eve!

Noah doesn’t know anything about birthin’ no babies but ehow.com does.  David gets visited by the ghost of Fatty Past for an appointment in Samarra!

I scream you scream we all scream for Ice Queens!  The Cutting Edge from Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-Two stars D.B Sweeney, Moira Kelly and Mickey Rourke’s breakthrough cameo as the Zamboni machine!  Horsey Doug Dorsey was king of the rink until one fateful Olympic hockey goal cost him his peripheral vision.  Kate Irate Moseley was pursuing some figure skating gold until her partner figured she looked better on her ass.  Kate gets a Russian coach who’s been brain damaged by drinking too much vodka made from Ireland’s last Potato Famine.  They burn through many a figure sk8er boi and as a last resort her Comrade of a coach brings in Doug.  It is hate at first skate and boy do the sparks fly as these two try to chagrin and bear it. With the Winter Olympics only a year away and a mysteriously impossible show stopping move called the Pamchenko barely under their belts, these two are going to scold their way to olympic gold!

Noah pillages the Olympic Village and Dave makes a beeline to Dorsey's Penalty Box to crack wise over cocktails.  

May your next Tripple Salchow be a Tripple Salchow-DOWN at Arbys. And Doug, don’t forget your horsey sauce!  

Be Kind, be blind! It's the only way you'll ever want to experience Blind Date starring Bruce Willis, Kim Basinger, John Larroquette and Phil Hartman.  Bruce Willis tries to impress his boss by bringing a blind date to a business dinner and boy oh boy this Basinger broad turns out to be quite the one-drink-wonder!  Before Bruce can ask for the check, they're off on a wild goose chase, with Basinger's ex-boyfriend John Larroquette hot on their heels. It's a crazy Eighties race against Bruce Willis' receding hairlilne!  Along the way, we encounter smokey buisness-casual discotheques, a runaway house, carjacking biker chicks and scads of poolside pratfalls. Bruce gets arrested and the only person Kim Bastinker can turn to is her ex-B.F, who happens to practice law during the spare moments when he's not crashing into various small businesses with his car. He offers her an ultimatum: He'll get Bruce out of the clink, if she agress to marry him. By the third act of this flick we hope you are sitting down...or at least near a pool, because Ray Charles could have called it!

Heavy lies the head that bears Larry Crowne. Starring Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, George Takei, Cedric the Entertainer and Fez from That Seventies Show.  Remember when a mid-life crisis meant you quit your job, lifted weights and fantasized about your daughter's best friend as a cloud of rose petals gently showered over her naked nubile bod?  Well, that kind of crisis can no longer work in this economy!  Tom Hanks, a decorated navy veteran loses his job of twenty years in a big box store because he lacks a degree to make him management material. Falling behind on his mortgage, he decides to sell his SUV, buy a pale blue scooter and start matriculating with the other misfits at his local community college. In no time, he’s Easy Ridin’ it with the campus’ hipster scooter crew and giving his charmingly alcoholic speech teacher,(Julia Roberts) an easy ride on his Tom Hanks patented crank!  If today is the first day of the rest of your life, then this film will make it feel like your last easy day was yesterday.  Starting over never felt so stale. Vrrrrrrrroooooooommmm!!! 

Grab your hacky sack filled with coffee beans and don’t forget your flannel diaphragm, we’re going back the Nineties!  When you’ve hit a new low, there’s always room for Cameron Crowe. 1992’s Singles stars Bridget Fonda, Campbell Scott, Kyra Sedgwick, Matt Dillon and a Monarch Liftmaster Model C garage door opener.
This movie is about a group of twenty-something Gen Xers who all live in a singles condominium at Ground Zero of the Great Grunge Contagion of the late Twentieth Century.  Bridget is a Typhoid Mary, doing everything she can to infect her uninterested boyfriend Matt Dillon with her spastic cuteness.  Kyra Sedgwick is an environmentalist who just wants to have a man and possess complete control over her own garage door. We have electronic watches that can store phone numbers, some Alices in Chains, some Pearls that Jam, a miscarried baby, a half-eaten chili-dog, Tim Burton directing a dating video and a whole lotta dyslexic hearts.  If you’re in the mood for a series of half-sketches that meander through the notion of what its like to be white and drink coffee while breaking the fourth wall, then pop open the Pringles, cuz Singles is for you!   

This flick is all run and no fun.  If you like wacky chase scenes peppered with light bondage lap dances that end with a gun being drawn, then The Bounty Hunter (2010) starring Jennifer Raniston and Gerard Butler is the only game in town!  
Gerry and Jenny are recently divorced.  Jenny is journalist investigating the mysterious suicide of an evidence clerk. Gerry is an ex-cop-turned-bounty hunter who specializes in catching fugitives who dress up like Uncle Sam on stilts. Jen misses her court appearance for a minor offense and Gerry is gloriously on the bound, hunting for his ultimate prey: an ex-wife who can write the book on fake crying and running very slowly in high heels.  This is Tom and Jerry, repurposed for the heterosexual human species. Many a table is turned as the hunter becomes the hunted and the Atlantic City Mob gets involved to breathe life into a mystery that has miscarried well before any red herrings can be revealed.  In the end, all we have to cling to is the open road and the notion that Jennifer Aniston was willing to show her boobs to commandeer a rickshaw from some kid offscreen.  Now that’s a bounty that we’d like to mounty!

Oh, think twice.  It’s just another day for you...you and me in paradise.  Couples Retreat starring Jon Favreau, Vince Vaughn, Jason Bateman, Kristen Bell, Kristin Davis and Cee Lo’s stunt double. Oh the notion of divorce bears bitter fruit. Jason Bateman and Kristin Davis announce to their married friends that they are pulling a Kramer v. Kramer.  And can you blame ‘er? In a last ditch effort to save their marriage, they redeem a Groupon rate to the tropical isle of Eden. However, there are no Jet Skis to be had. We will be bickering and bargaining, squabbling and fussing, and would you like some more scorn with your emotional bulldozing? Vince Vaughn’s motor-mouth of comedy will drone on and on like the oversized fan off the back of an Everglades Air Boat. Cee Lo gets naked, Vince Yawn is preyed upon by lemon sharks, Charlotte from Sex and the City bumps uglies with Fabio the yoga instructor and we all are reminded about such fine products as Guitar Hero, Starbucks, Power Point, Foot Locker and Applebees. Spoiler Alert, they get their Jet Skis, but after this Groupon, we’ll need to get a GroupOFF!

When you get dumped, go get yourself a nice hot dish of Dunst.
2001’s Teen Rom-Com GET OVER IT starring Ben Foster, Kirsten Dunst, Colin Hanks, Martin Short and Sisqo. Yes, the one and only Sisqo of “Thong Song” fame.
Ben Foster’s first love has left him for the arms of a boy band poseur, who has the audacity to speak English the right way...with an english accent. When they try out for the school’s production of Midsummer Night’s Dream, high school jock Ben Foster puts down his basketball, puts on a leotard and turns to the smell of the greasepaint and the roar of the theater freaks for some cold comfort. His spirit is willing but his craft is weak.  Kirsten helps him out and, honest to Bard, they fall for each other. However, the course of true love never did run like a smoothie! Her older brother Collin Hanks is Ben’s best friend and Ben himself wins the role of his ex-girlfriend’s lover in the show.  Lawd, what fools these mortals be! It’s going to take a lot of sex clubs, dance sequences and parties where people puke in the punchbowl to help our Ben restore amends.  Just try and get over this, if you give a Puck!  

Think global, act local and always remember to buy MORGANIC, because did you hear?  Did You Hear About the Morgans? starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Hugh Grant, Sam Elliot and Mary Steenburgen. Come watch these city-pretties put the WHY in Wyoming.  SJP and Hughie-G are both suc-wealthful in all of life’s endeavors, save for their marriage, which is estranged at best. They witness a murder and get placed into Witness Protection, forced to live out the rest of their lives as Mr and Mrs Bumpkin, C/O Bumble Fuck Boulevaard in Boondock, Backwatersville USA.
Don’t worry, almost nothing happens.  Sure, they shack up with the town Sheriff and his colorful gun-toting wife, but they keep leaving them alone to work out their differences.  There is a bear, a town fair and a rodeo, and the killer who is tailing them eventually catches up...but by then you’ll realize that instead of watching this, you could just go to your local Outback Steakhouse and sit in a booth near a couple whose arguing on their Tenth anniversary.  It would be the same experience, except you’d get a tasty steak.  Or if you’re like Noah, who’s vegan, a couple of Bloomin’ Onions, hold the dip.   
Did you hear about the Morgans?  Yes Dear.  Unfortunately we did.

This week Fatty goes to prom with PRETTY IN PINK (1986) starring Molly Ringwald, John Cryer, Anthony McCarthy, Harry Dean Stanton, and James Spader. This is a John Hughes film about the first Ginger to ever break through our Separate But Equal Freckle Barrier. Poor little non-orphan Andie really digs Richey-Bitch Boy Blaine... but WILL THEY GO TO PROM TOGETHER??? 

We play with records, lip-synch to Otis Redding, make a bunch of mom-shaped dresses and punch a locker in rage.  In the end, we find ourselves at prom, making a choice that will fuel decades of pop-culture warfare.  And wasn’t she easy?  And isn’t she pretty in pink? Dave delivers his Prom decree while Noah gives some helpful advice about maintaining that moral compass that lives with the little man in the boat who fishes between the canyons of your thunder thighs. Have a safe prom fatties, and remember, we may not be pretty, but Goddamn us if we can’t tickle you pink!  

Avoiding the Noid?  Unless he’s a TimeCop, he’ll never find you in 1988!  So sit down and join us for a slice!  Annabeth Gish, Lilli Taylor, Julia Roberts, and a pre-to-mid-pubescent Matt Damon will keep you company as you snuggle under a blanket of carbohydrates!  Brrrr!  The winds of change blow hard here in the port town of Mystic, CT.  Annabeth Gish is on her way to becoming Yale Material, until she takes a job babysitting for an Architect who owns a mysterious Nautical telescope, along with his other assorted Dark Materials. Lilli Taylor is a runaway bride, with the bug from M.I.B hot on her trail and Julia Roberts Eats, Prays and Loves her way to happiness with a wealthy wayward law school dropout who likes to throw darts while drinking. All are kept in check by the sassy maid from Two and a Half Men, who puts the Mystic Pizza Parlor on the map with her secret pizza sauce ingredient.  Let’s hope it’s glass.  Or Philip Glass!  

Dave assuages Noah as he comes to terms with his fear of wasps. Noah and Dave argue over what to eat before bogeying off to Mystic, CT, where a drunken chase through The Maze-a-saurus awaits!  Along the way, Dave takes a detour to Haunted Honkey Town and Noah reveals what all the REAL slutty girls put on their walls. Dave makes Halley super jealous with his Cocktail Corner, but it’s her fault, she’s cold as ice and only comes around every 76 years! Thanks for Listening and keep coming back to When Harry Met Fattty, a podcast that fulfills all your comet joke needs.   

Double down on your Bubble Trouble board game! Where we’re going, you’re gonna want to keep those dice inside their Popo-Matic dome!  What Happens In Vegas starring Ashton Kutcher, Cameron Diaz, Dennis Miller, Queen Latifah, Zach Galifianakis and the ectoplasmic residue of every desperate heart that was dashed to pieces in that city of neon and lies.  Ash and Cam-Dizzy get drunk, get hitched and are about to ditch their shared marital status when one of them wins 3 million at a slot machine.  A judge sentences them to 6 months hard marriage before they can split the winnings and we get sentenced to ninety more minutes of this crap before we get to make like a banana.   

They’re not Marooned, they’re just morons.  Amanda Bynes, Chris Carmack, Fred Willard, Kathy Griffin and Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air team up with the man who brought you Blue Lagoon and Flight of the Navigator!  Amanda Bynes pines for the affection of Pop Legend Jason Masters and corners him on a private party yacht.  They both go overboard and wash up on a deserted island...or is it?  Jason is hobbled and can’t move.  Luckily he has his number one fan to tend to his every desert island need.  This movie is basically Stephen King’s Misery rebooted as an Archie comic come to life!  Now go on and watch it, you dirty birds!  

Hail to the Holmes, she’s our nation’s First Daughter, Hail to Joey, that hot chick from Dawson’s Creek.  Hail to this flick that came out in Twenty-Oh-Bore, Her dad was Batman and her mom’s from ID4!  
Katie Holmes, Marc Blucas and Michael Keaton star in this Romulan-Com about our nation’s First Daughter and her pointed attempt to flee the coop and cut those presidential apron strings.  Her father’s up for re-election and Katie’s up for some Thirsty Thursdays and hoochie-coochie bartop dancin’!  But how can she have a normal college life when her not-so-secret service men are on her tail?  They’ll have to keep an eye on her, or risk chasing liberty -oops...that’s another movie.  Or is it?  

This is certainly one doodle that can’t be undid.  Remember 2007?   Bush was on his way out and our brains were fried over-easy on a home skillet called Juno, starring Ellen Page, Jason Reitman, Jennifer Garner and the color orange. The story is simple:  Girl meets boy, girl gets preggo, and girl Leggos her baby to some super well-off peeps.  Then girl decides to re-meet boy.  All in a semester’s work, half pint!

Eddie Money doesn’t want to let you go ‘till you see the light..and we don’t want to let you go ‘till you see this flick.  That’s right folks, they all can’t be stinkers!  Take Me Home Tonight Starring Topher Grace, Anna Faris and Dan Folger.  It’s the late Eighties, mateys, and Topher, who’s a recent graduate of MIT (yeah you know me), is working at Suncoast video, refining his quarter life crisis. He runs into his former highschool crush and accompanies her to a Labor Day party, lying about what he does for a living.  A BMW is stolen, cocaine is consumed, dance offs are had and some P.Y.Ts get busy on a trampoline. Party Hardy, Marty!  

The Wedding Singer becomes a dead ringer!  In 2011’s Just Go With It, Adam Sandler plays house with Jennifer Aniston in order to woo a swimsuit model.  Oh what a tangled web they weave when they first practice to deceive...if only we could deceive ourselves from ever watching this in the first place.  This is an unintentional horror film about what happens when you decide to leave your wedding ring on when you go get a drink.  Spoiler alert, they end up in Hawaii, and we end up gettin’ Hawaiian punch-drunk.

You break it you buy it and boy did we ever!  Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and one wrecked Honeymoon Suite that will surely be in need of a good Priceline Negotiator.  As Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight Saga draws to a close, Breaking Dawn Pt. One teaches us one valuable lesson:  When you marry your high school sweetheart, be sure to get something old, something new, something Borrowed and something OHMYGOD she’s pregnant!  Pattinson may not be a one-pump-chump, but this situation is certainly a one-hump-baby-bump!  It’s like MTV’s 16 and pregnant on Quaaludes…and guest starring a bunch of talking wolves.  Join us as we dish on our very first unintentional romantic comedy!

Hey!  You got your Chauvinism in my Chivalry. Hey!  You got your Chivalry in my Chauvinism.  Two great tastes that taste great together….in HELL!  In this 2009 delight Gerard Butler makes Katherine Heigl eat a plate of humble pie, but not before he gets his just deserts!  I apologize, its after midnight and I haven’t been fed. Don’t tell Mr. Wing.  Mogwai!

Heigl, which isn’t just an exercise you do to make your vagina strong, is a romantically challenged morning show producer.  Butler is a cable access misanthrope who lands a job on her show, all the while landing a place in her heart. He’s going to show her the ropes in the game of love…but careful, Gerry, you might just end up against the ropes! 

Hollywood if she could…get Universal Healthcare…from Universal Studios that is!  This week we dig up a 1991 Country Time Lemonade classic starring Michael J. Fox and Julie Warner, (who can’t seem to find her bathing suit from time to time). MJF is on his way to Beverly Hills to be a plastic surgeon when he takes a detour that leads him directly to his true heart’s desire!

Dave and Noah are still housesitting.  Dave waxes poetic about his former country mouse ways.  Noah reveals his secret language called Bumblef*ck, meant to be spoken only to his invisible twin…who died years ago under mysterious circumstances.

Noah obsesses over a half-eaten titty cake that was left in a locker room.  Dave talks Porsche engines and admits the real reason he no longer lives in a one-horse town.

What do you get when you put Billy Crystal, John Cusack, Catherine Zeta Jones, Julia Roberts, Hank Azaria, Stanley Tucci, Seth Green, Rain Wilson, The Hyatt Hotel, A sixty pound fatsuit, a billowy poolside figure in white, Christopher Walken, a bunch of Hebrew-esque humor, press junkets and a terrible Spanish accent? 

Well…you get another reason to crack open that jug of Drano and call it a life.  But before that happens, listen to your heart.  Your so-sweet-its-pre-diabetic-heart.   The year is still young, and this is America.

America’s Sweethearts(2001), a movie about movies that centers around everything we don’t care about with movies: Press Junkets and publicity.  Two publicists try to mend a broken relationship between two celebrities who used to give America a reason to believe in love.  A sloppy love triangle ensues, replete with scrambled eggs being tossed into a lap.  Spoiler!

Dave and Noah steal a house. Podcasting from this venue inspires them to make a few resolutions.  Dave raids the liquor cabinet and finds crappy snacks while Noah reveals a shameful, shameful secret.  Noah eats a bag of nuts while Ollie looks on, his eyes dead, his mouth panting, his tongue yearning.  Happy New year, and thanks for the listen!