Wed, 27 June 2012
2012 is half over. It’s time to take a mulligan and it's time for celebrity target practice! New Year’s Eve (2011) starring Ashton Kutcher, Robert Deniro, Sarah Jessica Parker...hell, just take every character found on the rosetta stone and rearrange them at random and in perpetuity...and you will have the cast of this epic Garry Marshall-piece. The clock is ticking and second chances don’t expire until after midnight! A dangerously mindful secretary who works for the Trinity Killer at a record company enlists the help of a bicycle courier to fulfill her list of New Year’s resolutions. Two pregnant couples are competing for a cash prize to be awarded to the first baby born after Midnight. A Raging Bull is dying of cancer...and dying to see that ball drop from the roof of his hospital, just one... more... time. Little Miss Sunshine, (who’s now more “mid-sized Miss Evening Shade” these days), just wants to kiss a boy in Times Square, but her mom, who used to put the Sex in that very City, is just not that into her going out. Two youngsters get trapped in an elevator and one of them might be the Devil Himself. A Garden State pop star hires an ex-fiance to cater his concert...and perhaps fall into his web of regretful groveling, cuz from where he stands, it’s slippery when wet! Cameos! Confetti! Hilary Swank-spanking! Come turn over a new leaf and surrender yourself to beast that is New Year’s Eve! Noah doesn’t know anything about birthin’ no babies but ehow.com does. David gets visited by the ghost of Fatty Past for an appointment in Samarra!
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Wed, 20 June 2012
I scream you scream we all scream for Ice Queens! The Cutting Edge from Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-Two stars D.B Sweeney, Moira Kelly and Mickey Rourke’s breakthrough cameo as the Zamboni machine! Horsey Doug Dorsey was king of the rink until one fateful Olympic hockey goal cost him his peripheral vision. Kate Irate Moseley was pursuing some figure skating gold until her partner figured she looked better on her ass. Kate gets a Russian coach who’s been brain damaged by drinking too much vodka made from Ireland’s last Potato Famine. They burn through many a figure sk8er boi and as a last resort her Comrade of a coach brings in Doug. It is hate at first skate and boy do the sparks fly as these two try to chagrin and bear it. With the Winter Olympics only a year away and a mysteriously impossible show stopping move called the Pamchenko barely under their belts, these two are going to scold their way to olympic gold! Noah pillages the Olympic Village and Dave makes a beeline to Dorsey's Penalty Box to crack wise over cocktails. May your next Tripple Salchow be a Tripple Salchow-DOWN at Arbys. And Doug, don’t forget your horsey sauce!
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Wed, 13 June 2012
We Bought a Zoo (when we should have bought a clue!) Starring Matt Damon, Scarlett Johansson, Thomas Hayden Church, and Ellie Fanning. This Twenty-Eleventy comedy is based on a true story of a man who loses his wife to cancer and decides to move his family into a zoo that is about to go belly up. This movie is a two hour Kodak commercial with snakes. And a fallen tree. And a suicidal tiger. Matt Damon, fresh off the boat from Mourners-ville, USA, gets a lot of lasagna from all the women who want him to put his grieving peen in their own personal hairy lasagna-like enclosures. He falls for the one woman who has no noodle casserole up for offer, Scarlett Johansson, a sullen animal caretaker who spends most of her spare time wearing a hoodie and glaring at him through the pouring rain. Thomas Hayden Church plays Matt's brother and he takes Matt out for coffee and heaps of brotherly disapproval. Ellie Fanning plays a mysterious orphan Zoo child who immediately falls for Matt Damon's emo-son, who's way into examining the dark shadows of his navel. Matt Damon has a daughter who cheers a lot while twirling in the sunshine as she feeds a muster of peacocks. A Bear gets loose. The zoo runs out of money. An inspector demands pricey alterations for the zoo to be up to code. With a post-death catharsis around every corner, We Bought a Zoo will make a bid for your heart. But Buyer Beware!
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Wed, 6 June 2012
Be Kind, be blind! It's the only way you'll ever want to experience Blind Date starring Bruce Willis, Kim Basinger, John Larroquette and Phil Hartman. Bruce Willis tries to impress his boss by bringing a blind date to a business dinner and boy oh boy this Basinger broad turns out to be quite the one-drink-wonder! Before Bruce can ask for the check, they're off on a wild goose chase, with Basinger's ex-boyfriend John Larroquette hot on their heels. It's a crazy Eighties race against Bruce Willis' receding hairlilne! Along the way, we encounter smokey buisness-casual discotheques, a runaway house, carjacking biker chicks and scads of poolside pratfalls. Bruce gets arrested and the only person Kim Bastinker can turn to is her ex-B.F, who happens to practice law during the spare moments when he's not crashing into various small businesses with his car. He offers her an ultimatum: He'll get Bruce out of the clink, if she agress to marry him. By the third act of this flick we hope you are sitting down...or at least near a pool, because Ray Charles could have called it!
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